There’s An App(liance) For That

I’m pretty sure the dishwasher in the townhome I’m renting was one of the first to ever roll off the assembly line. They might not have even HAD assembly lines back when this thing was made. This thing might pre-date such industrial advances.

I try to be grateful to have a dishwasher in the first place – it certainly beats washing dishes by hand. But that’s not really true here because if I don’t wash off the dishes before they go in this water box, they come out covered in whatever was on them before they were “washed”. I have to wonder about the water pressure in it – it seems more akin to a leaky garden hose than a whirling pool, if you catch my I-don’t-wanna-get-sued meaning there.

Yet the leaky garden hose theory is thrown out the window the minute one hears this machine. It sounds like Niagara Falls in there! When I turn on this dishwasher, all conscious thought is driven from my head by the deafening roar. Forget about having the dishes washing while anyone in the house is trying to watch TV, or listen to music, or complete a sentence. I could run a vacuum, a blender, a hair dryer and a leaf blower at the same time and you’d still hear the dishwasher over everything else.

I see advertisements with the lovely, my-life-is-so-happy models in a so-professionally-designed-it-does-not-exist-in-the-real-world kitchen discussing or operating a “whisper-quiet” dishwasher that not only gets your dishes sparkling on the first try, it also freshens your air, discharges negative energy from your garbage disposal and balances your chi – all done with the silence and precision of a shaolin monk. That dishwasher is a Prius; my dishwasher is a logging truck. 

My dishwasher tries. I sense this. It doesn’t want to be a D student, it just struggles. Maybe it is dyslexic. Maybe it should be in a special school. A home owner would have sent it to the appliance pound, where used and refurbished refrigerators, washers, dryers, et. al. are locked up, awaiting for a new owner to come and pick them out, give them a new home. But I am not a home owner. I rent this place, and as such, it is not in my control which appliances get replaced. If this dishwasher does the job, well, my landlord doesn’t have any real reason or obligation to replace it. Just because I use twice as much water washing the dishes by hand before they go in the “dish washer” doesn’t matter. Just because operating it after 10:00 pm would violate the curfew for “quiet time” in this community doesn’t matter. The appliance functions, so it stays. I do not feel the need to press the issue of replacement.

Besides – if there’s anything going to get replaced here, it’s the nuclear-powered clothes dryer that somehow manages to get my clothes hotter than the surface of the sun after only 20 minutes a-tumbling.  Or the stove with burners that rest at a slight 13-degree angle, thereby making it impossible to cook anything in a pan evenly. Or the water heater that’s the size of a beer can and only provides 8 minutes of hot water per shower. Or the refrigerator that freezes anything placed near the back, regardless of the temperature setting. Or the furnace that sounds like a screaming woman is trapped in the air ducts…

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